Episode 117: Eisenhower's Toot

Brian is confused by a product review that is simultaneously gushing and damning, then Rob Krekel returns as we take a deep dive into the intricacies of queefs.

Released on May 18, 2016, 2:10 am UTC

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Show Notes

Show notes by Leon - Latest version on the DCTVpedia

Cold Open

Have you ever spit straight up into the air and into your mouth? No? Ok, just Brian then.

Grogknock of the Q'thur Tribe

Brian started out the show with a reference to their original fans back in prehistoric times. Among them were Grogknock and Q'thur. Q'thur took his fandom a little too far and wanted Brian and Justin to get up in his butthole. Since he was a caveman, he communicated this desire by way of an interpretive dance that was very similar to the Macarena.

Lock Pick Reviews

A while back, Brian and [[Jon Tilton] found this awesome pen that can break windows and has a set of lockpicks inside it. Also it's a working pen. They liked it so much that they bought a bunch and put them up for sale onScamStuff.com and called it the Lock-Proof Pen. The pens sold great, but the supplier stopped supplying them. Bummer! Fast forward to probably a couple weeks ago. The Lock-Proof Pen is available once again and they buy a bunch for ScamStuff. Awesome!

Once they go back up on sale and they post a video of it on YouTube Brian starts getting tweets stating that the most popular lockpicking YouTube channel reviewed the pen. Cool! Or, probably cool, right?

They watched the guy's review on the show and Brian reenacted his experience of watching the video for the first time. The review started out great (besides the part where he said you have to buy two, that's not the case). He talks about how it can break windows, punch bad guys, it comes with a neat flashlight. It's great. But then he takes out the lock picks and he feels that they're super cheap and flimsy. They're meant to be emergency lockpicks, so yeah, they're not meant for everyday use. Then after talking about the picks, the guy goes back to gushing about the rest of the product and concludes that you shouldn't waste your money on this junk. Then like literally 5 seconds later talks about the cool flashlight you get with it. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Buy Some JuRY Stickers

StickersOrDIAF.com

"We're almost sure to not offend that old man that was offended by Brian!"

Patreon

The Patreon is at $1,503. If you want to become a patron, head on over to Patreon.com/NightAttack.

YO! There's a new Mixtape in the Patreons. It's called "Fancy Feast". Check it.

Remember Tub girl?

Bonnie had never heard of Tubgirl, so Brian showed her. If you don't know what it is either, it's one of those Lemon Party/Goatse shock pictures. Go Google it. Or don't. I really don't care. You're (probably) an adult.

Rob Krekel is Back!

Hey, it's Rob Krekel! I don't think he's been on Night Attack before, but he was on a couple episodes of NSFW. If you don't know, Rob is a sound designer at the video game developer Naughty Dog. He's worked on The Last of Us and the Uncharted series. Ya know, some of the best games in the last decade. So naturally, Brian and Justin like to use his sound design talents for really dumb things. The first time he was on, they had him come up with the sound effect for a "Terry pile": the sound of Mother Teresa dropping a wet deuce on the ground.

They played the grapefruit blowjob sound for Rob and asked him how he would fit it into a video game. He suggested that it would be perfect for Nathan Drake getting dragged through the mud. WhiskeyWolf in the chat put the sound on top of a clip from Uncharted 4. It's great.

Sounds re-created

  • Brian turning into a puddle of self-regret after refusing a handjob from a Texan masseuse
    • Sound samples: a towel, a leather jacket, oily hands, Justin crying
  • Epileptic puppy with birth defects
    • Sound samples: Justin crying
  • Queen Elizabeth queefing
    • Sound samples: Justin mouth farting into his arm

Where Do Queefs Come From?

Brian doesn't know much about queefs. He tried to get Bonnie to talk about it, but she wasn't having it. Luckily Ashley was just in the other room and answered Brian's questions. She confirmed that, unlike farts, queefs are just the exhale resulting from an unfortunate inhale.

But for the bit, we really need to know what a really old woman's queef sounds like. Ashley doesn't know what it would sound like, so Justin called up his mom to get some info on how the sound of queefs evolve as a woman gets older. Keep in mind that she lives in Florida and he called after 11pm eastern time. So that happened. According to her, the sound hasn't really changed as she aged.

Remember That Time That We Melted Their Faces?

BREAKING: LOCAL SONGSMITH CREATES AMAZING SONG FOR LIKE THE 20TH WEEK IN A ROW.https://awtfy.com/scarred/

Steven Cogswell is at it again. This time he remixed the opening bit from last week's live show.

Diamond Time

If you want to submit your thing for Diamond Time head over to the weekly Diamond Time post on the DiamondClub subreddit. Instructions on how to format your submission can be found in the post!

Movie Draft Chat

  • I think we're in trouble. I don't think Civil War made enough money fast enough. DTNS seems to have a strong slate remaining - Brian
  • We're betting on Civil War having legs and Ghostbusters being poop - Justin
  • Civil War is structurally identical to Empire Strikes Back - Brian

Aftershow

Brian and Justin have HTC Vives. Last saturday night Brian tweeted out that HTC stopped selling Vives due to high demand. Turns out it was just temporarily and may or may not have been due to high demand. In reaction to this, Justin and Ashley decided to immediately buy a Vive. Then it turns out that Colleen Kelly Henry accidentally bought two Vives and offered to sell the extra one for face value to whoever gets to her place first. Justin races over to her place and beat out everyone else to snag the Vive. Now they just have to hope HTC will let them cancel their official order.

Anyway, Brian got one too and he was missing a cable that he needed to hook it up and still had a ton of work to do before getting it totally set up. He had to move around a ton of shit in the studio in order to make the space that the Vive requires. Check out these cute Vive Vines of the Brushwood kids trying VR for the first time: Vine 1 Vine 2

So Rob left after like 35 minutes, then Brian and Justin played Keep Talking and Nobody Explodes with Brian wearing his Vive and Justin reading the manual. It was really fun! … I assume. I'm actually writing this as they're setting up because that doesn't really interest me and I'm pretty tired so I'm gonna go to bed.

Belt Winner

Great Quotes

  • "... Better than TubGIRL!" - Justin talking about Harriet Tubman (probably)
  • "...old lesbian and 12 year-old…" - Brian talking about the Patreon picture
  • "... middle aged rugby player and her Brazilian ward." - Justin talking about the Patreon picture
  • " It's not like the Eiffel Tower turning to Jell-O, it's more of a wet noodle falling over." - Brian describing the sound of himself collapsing in a puddle of self-regret
  • "You just want a handjob?" - Bonnie being very direct as a masseuse
  • "Let's talk about queefs, Bon-nie." - Brian singing to the tune of "Let's Talk About Sex"
  • "So mom, you're live on the internet, we wanna talk to you about queefing." - Justin talking to his mom on the phone
  • "Oh dear, good thing nobody heard that. I'm the Queen of England." - Brian as the Queen of England who just queefed
  • "Oh dang! Look at the fragility of life!" - Justin describing how people don't react to the dark moments of Captain America: Civil War

Fun Facts

  • Bonnie, Ashley and Gloria all made an appearance on this show. It's very rare that we have three ladies on a single show
  • In the aftershow, they mentioned that Carla from Silicon Valley was based on longtime friend-of-the-show Colleen Kelly Henry
    • I'm positive that they mentioned this in an episode of Cordkillers (Framerate?) back when the Carla character was first introduced. Justin was a guest on that episode.

Characters

Preshow Doc

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