Episode 48: That's Prostitution!

The streak of awesome episodes continues as Justin's "Ghost Dad" mystery gets a satisfying conclusion and Sarah Lane returns for Problem Solverz.

Released on January 28, 2015, 3:00 am UTC

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Show Notes

Show notes by Leon - Latest version on the DCTVpedia

Cold Open

Ghost Dad: Chapter 1 by Gatowag

Ghost Dad: Conclusion

So last week, Justin's thought-to-be-dead father added him on Facebook. If you missed that episode, GO WATCH/LISTEN TO IT NOW.

Last week Justin asked for a picture and the dude refused, Justin sent a strongly worded response stating that this person has not provided any evidence that they are actually Charles Young, and they should no longer contact Justin lest they be reported to the authorities. Then "Charles" responded… "Charles" dropped some serious inside knowledge about Justin's childhood AND he sent some pictures of what could possibly be Justin's father as an old man. After this, Justin is still not convinced, as is his brother.

The next day, Justin went on a soul searching trip to an NXT wrestling event in Cocoa Beach and came to the conclusion that he doesn't give a shit if this is his actual father. If it is, fuck him. To be an asshole, leave your family, not talk to them for over a dozen years and then just show up on Facebook with a "Sup, bro." Fuck that shit. And Justin told that to his father in an email. It was the response to this email that finally convinced Justin of this person's identity. The response Justin got was very reminiscent of the Charles Oscar Young from Justin's childhood and Justin is now sure that this person is, in fact, his father.

In the aftershow, Justin explained that he is very relieved to have this whole situation go down. He hasn't really known if his father was alive or dead until now, so it's nice to have closure on that front. However even more satisfying was realizing that he doesn't want a relationship with his father and now he was finally able to say that directly to his father.

Patreon

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Problem Solvers

Problem Solvers is back! If you don't know what it is, you're an idiot. Also it's the world's only call-OUT advice show. Chatrealm sends in their problems, then Brian, Justin and Sarah call them and solve their problems.

As always, there were a ton of problems that went unsolved. You can read them all here.

  • "My boss is 82, verile and handsome. My grandma is 84 alcoholic, repulsiv and single. My boss getting laid would mean a raise and morale boost for everyone. Set them up and weather any unforeseen consequences? Or risk potential job loss and financial ruin for the sake of my grandmother's virtue?"
    • Justin - Restate
    • Brian - It's a win-win-win, so let it in!
    • Sarah - #Instagram
  • "I have a small, horny dog. Not only is he horny all the time but he is a crossdresser as well. He doesn't identify as a female dog he just likes wearing stockings, heels and silky underthings and he still tries to bang the lady dogs in the neighborhood. This wouldn't be a problem if we lived in a place like San Francisco but we live in the severe, deep South so you can imagine the harassment we get on our daily walks. People will yell out the rudest things to us like: "How dare you?" and since the dog can't speak English I have to try to explain why I glued size 8 fuck-me pumps to his feet and his non-color coordinated lingerie. I mean give me a break. The little bastard IS colorblind. I mean how hard would you find it to look hot and fetching in a black and white world? Anyway how do I explain to my fellow townsfolk that he's just a normal everyday dog with the same hopes and dreams as everyone else? Thanks for your help."
    • Brian - Restate
    • Sarah - Stop telling your dog to wear high heels.
    • Justin - Don't snitch on that bitch!
  • "My wife and i recently moved to another state after I accepted a job offer. The job wasn't what i thought it would be and the house we are living in is a dump. As a result of our relocation. she is currently unemployed and we need income from her or we might be in financial ruin. We have the opportunity to move back, and I might be able to get my old job back. She might be able to get a job back with her previous employer as well. However, she is flat out refusing to move. What do i do?"
    • Sarah - Restate
    • Justin - Pimp out your wife to make the rent.
    • Brian - That's called prostitution!
  • "The other day, my uber driver that was twice my age asked me on a date. I figured it could make a good story, because if nothing else, his name was Boney... He never called. Out of boredom, to make up for it, I went to InvisibleBoyfriend.com for the 10 text free trial. My fake boyfriend took 3 days to text me back, and quit texting me after six texts. Even the people hired to just pretend they love me unconditionally can't do it. How do I make sure I don't end up forever alone?"
    • Justin - Restate
    • Brian - Have sex with your family.
    • Sarah - Definitely bone an Uber driver named Boney.
  • "So I'm an identical twin, and share a room with my sister. I feel weird watching porn with her in the room, she doesn't seem to care but should I wait until she's asleep ? or does that make it creepier?"
    • Brian - Restate
    • Sarah - What are you really doin' wrong?
    • Justin - Double-click your mouse with your sis' in the house!
  • "So I have a friend who recently broke up with her boyfriend. All 3 of us used to talk when they were together (every now and again), but only when she was around. Then they broke up and I hadn't spoken to him since.The other day on Facebook, I commented on one of her posts about a guy she thought was cute. Two seconds later, the ex-boyfriend send me a friend request. What should I do?"
    • Justin - Restate
    • Sarah - He's just looking for revenge sex.
    • Brian - Smoke a bowl, fuck that asshole.

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The Journey

Alright, the chapter submission period for the self-help book has passed; now it's time for editing. Brian was looking through the book doc (which you can find here) and just randomly started reading a chapter that involved Chet's father who had abandoned him returning after a long absence. Oddly prophetic considering recent events. The chapter was "How I Learned Fisting Can Bring You Closer to Your Father" … of course.

So, unlike The Diamond Club, the guys are going to donate all of the profits from this book to a charity. As of this episode, they're leaning toward Heifer International to be the beneficiary of this ridiculous book.

Aftershow

Shit got pretty real in the aftershow. Justin talked a bit more about his father, however in one of the strangest turn of events in Diamond Club history, a call from notorious drunk caller, Megavortex, nearly caused Justin to cry on the air. A few days earlier, Brian and Justin got an email from an EMT in Michigan who was at the scene of a fatal motorcycle accident in which the victim was wearing a Diamond Club shirt. Knowing that Megavortex lives in Michigan, the guys immediately looked to his Twitter to see if he was the victim. Even though we don't know the identity of the victim, the fact remains that we lost one of our own. Our thoughts are with the family of the victim. The Chatrealm saluted them with the Missing Diamond Formation: "<> <> <".

Diamond Time

If you want to submit your thing for Diamond Time head over to the weekly Diamond Time post on the DiamondClub subreddit. Instructions on how to format your submission can be found in the post!

Great Quotes

  • "Satan is a wholly owned subsidiary of Christianity." - Brian (preshow)
  • "Don't abuse those asians even though it's fun to punch them." - Brian (sung in the preshow)
  • "Satan and the internet; born the same day, who woulda guessed?" - Brian
  • "Yeah, that's daddy issues 101." - Justin
  • "He apologizes to the President… very politely." - Brian during the SquareSpace ad-read
  • "Ahh look at me, I cum diarrhea!" - Brian

Preshow Doc

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