Sarah Lane is back to Zolve more Pr0blems, then we learn how Brian got second-degree burns and Justin went to the ER within hours of each other in completely unrelated events.
Show notes by Leon - Latest version on the DCTVpedia
A young fan is upset at all the hate for the Star Wars Prequels.
Sarah Lane returns as we call people and scream at them in an attempt to solve their problems. Justin gave a real nice introduction for Sarah and then once he finally welcomed her to the show, he found out that she wasn't on the line yet. The solutions come in three parts: One person restates the problem, one person gives actual advice and the last person gives a witty rejoinder to send them off.
- She hates going out to bars, but she's a shut in. How can she meet people?
- Justin: Start wearing a fake mustache
- Brian: Sport that brush and grab that tush
- They found gay porn on their dad's computer when they were a kid (like 20 years ago). Their parents seem to have a good relationship, but should they bring this up to their dad?
- Brian: YOU DON'T KNOW NOTHIN BOUT YOUR DAD'S SEX LIFE! YOUR MOM MIGHT BE IN ON IT!
- Sarah: If your dad's gay, your mom got some extra sleep
- Their father retired and has started fixing the caller's house. He ended up tearing out the caller's roof without asking, costing him thousands.
- Sarah: Get him a subscription to gay porn to distract him
- Justin: If your house is a rockin', it's probably because your dad screwed it up, tell him to go home
- He just had a kid and has no free time. How can he get his free time back?
- Justin: Abandon the child!
- Brian: No kid, you're on the skids
The caller may not have heard any of their advice
- This guy is falling victim to deceptive selfies on dating apps. Why is he the bad guy when he is shocked that people don't look like their profile pictures?
- Sarah: Beer goggles solve everything!
- Justin: If she's got a butter face, just hit her with a can of mace!
- Jeb: I was recently running for President of the United States. I was talking to a crowd and they didn't quite react how I wanted them to so I asked them to clap. Now my campaign is in shambles.
- Brian: Take legal action on literally everyone.
- Sarah: You weren't meant to be President, take up gin rummy!
They actually gave the number of the Florida governor's office, which is currently Rick Scott
- They've had some extra expenses lately, and they want to know if it would be justified to make a GoFundMe for a tattoo of a dick and jizz on their lower back. They swear there's a story behind this idea.
- Sarah: Make it look fun like a popsicle
- Justin: Put that ejaculate on your back-ulate!
The Patreon is at $1535. If you want to become a patron, head on over toPatreon.com/NightAttack.
During the preshow of this episode, Justin suggested the idea of releasing more audio tracks to patrons on a weekly basis. But since this wasn't mentioned during the Patreon plug, this is NOT A PROMISE.
Brian Got Second-Degree Burns
So Brian was doing his fire eating routine and burnt his hand pretty bad. He didn't freak out during the show, but he definitely developed a few GIANT blisters on his hand.
Brian told the story of exactly how he messed up putting a torch out with his hand, and accidentally lit his hand on fire. His main concern was not looking like one of those idiots on the internet that accidentally lit themselves on fire. "I WILL NOT BECOME A GIF". So he ended up putting out his flaming hand by squeezing it between his legs behind his knee. Unfortunately, this happened in the first two minutes of the show and had to continue as if nothing was wrong. After a few minutes, he notice some folds on his hand that weren't usually there and his hand seemed to sting quite a bit every time he used it. Once the show was over, he met with the fans and had to shake all their hands with second degree burns.
Justin Passed Out During Weird Things and Went to the ER
So before Brian burned himself, but right after his soundcheck, Brian, Justin and Andrew did theWeird Things Podcast. If you watched last week, you'll know that Justin was pretty sick. Well five days later during Weird Things, he was still really sick. He had already cancelled the JuRY Podcast and his Wrestling stream later that night, but since Andrew's new book Station Breaker (available now on Amazon for $0.99!) he didn't want to miss Weird Things. Anyway, during Weird Things, he texted Brian saying that he's gonna leave for a minute to puke. He gets to the bathroom and realized "I can't puke", so he decides to poop. He sits down to puke and everything fades to white. Ashley is in the kitchen and hears a big thump. She runs to the bathroom and finds Justin on the floor with his bare ass hanging out. Justin was already regaining consciousness and Ashley had him sit on the bed for a little bit until she decided to take him to the ER.
They explain the situation to the doctor. So he was pretty dehydrated and the bright lights of the studio surely didn't help. Also there's this thing called the Vagus nerve. It's connected to all sorts of internal organs including the digestive tract. The process of getting up to walk to the bathroom and kneeling down trying to puke fucked him up. Then the act of pooping set off the Vasovagal response. In the words of the doctor, he was a victim of a phenomenon called "Poop Fainting".
Anyway, he got a hydration IV and he felt like a million bucks as he left the hospital the same night.
Hey! We finally have the SXSW detail nailed down!
Saturday March 12, 2016 2-5 pm at Brew Exchange 706 6th St. Downtown ATX
Be there! Jomo and The Possum Posse have strongly implied that they intend to be there! No word on if it will be livestreamed. Probably not in very high quality, probably random Periscopes from people in the attendance.
What is 30 Seconds or DIAF?
Last week, we determined that the big bit for the Austin Night Attack Live (ANAL) will be called "30 Seconds or DIAF. On this episode, we tried to figure out what exactly the bit would be. The Chatrealmcame up with a bunch of challenges that people would have to do for 30 seconds. The idea is that there would be a big bowl full of challenges that people have to draw from and complete.
- The All Together Playground
- The Unofficial SXSW <> Meetup
- Help pay the rendering costs for this Night Attack Game of Thrones render
If you want to submit your thing for Diamond Time head over to the weekly Diamond Time post on theDiamondClub subreddit. Instructions on how to format your submission can be found in the post!
Nationwide Card Caucus
The Contender Fever is sweeping the nation! Head on over to TheContender.us to host a card caucus in your state!
Hearth and Oates
Also, Bryce suggested Brian and Justin do an American Truck Simulator stream and call it "Haulin' Oates". That's pretty great.
After like an hour of Hearthstone, Bryce and Brian worked out a Scam School ad live on the stream.
- Brian - Donated $10 to the All Abilities Playground
- "It could be a popsicle dick with lots of swirls in it. That's like the perfect dick." - Sarah Lane during the last Problem Solvers question
- "I will not become a GIF!" - Brian
- Brian has never shaved his armpits. Do guys commonly shave their armpits? I ain't never done it...