Episode 36: Alley Soup

Sarah Lane is back to solve your problems! During this drama-free episode of Night Attack, Brian and Justin discuss politics, marriage, and balls.

Released on November 5, 2014, 4:56 am UTC


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Show Notes

Show notes by Leon - Latest version on the DCTVpedia

Cold Open

What if Chad was a contract killer?

Justin Sings Brian a Song About His Vasectomy

The intro music had barely faded out when Justin made up a song telling the story of Brian's vasectomy.

Brian's Vasectomy

On previous episodes, Brian verbally committed to wearing googly eyes on his balls for his Halloween vasectomy appointment. He was just walking out the door for his appointment when realized that his balls were severely under-dressed. He and Bonnie scrambled to find some sort of googly eyes and settled on some eye stickers stolen from one of their daughters. Bonnie's mom was in the house watching the kids, so Brian had to go into the garage to apply the stickers.

Once they got to the doctor's office Brian was starting to get nervous about the joke, so he had Bonnie join him in the room for moral support. In the room, they both realized that the whole point of dressing up for Halloween is that you're dress as somebody; you don't just put googly eyes on and call it a costume. They decided to say his dick was dressed up as Abraham Lincoln "because he has the beard, but no mustache and the stovepipe hat…. my dick."

The doctor finally came in and was amused. Then they all talked about podcasting while he had a needle in Brian's balls.


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Sarah Has A Baller Instagram Account

Between her appearances on Night Attack, you can follow her on what might be the most baller Instagram account in existence: Instagram.com/SarahLane

Problem Solvers

This is their signature "call-out" help show. The Chatrealm sends in their problems and Brian, Justin and Sarah call them to give them advice. Once they call the troubled soul, there are three different roles that the three of them rotate between: one person summarizes the problem, one person solves the problem and one person gives a witty rejoinder to wrap everything up.

  • Some lady keeps texting him about how his girlfriend is a piece of shit. The only thing is that he doesn't have a girlfriend.
    • Sarah - Summary
    • Brian - You don't have a girlfriend, but you're about to have one. Get with this lady!
    • Justin - Flip this lady! Doggie style.
  • My dog keeps getting raped by my neighbor's cat. My dog is fixed, but I don't know if it counts against cat jizz.
    • Brian - Summary
    • Justin - You can let that fur ball jizz the volume of Lake Oneonta. Also, NOT ALL CATS!
    • Sarah - It gives the word "ME-OW" a new meaning.
  • I got poison ivy on my "crotch cobra". How can I get one off without making my pork sword bleed.
    • Justin - Summary
    • Sarah - Poison ivy is contagious, just give it to her.
    • Brian - If you want to scratch, get into that snatch.
  • He's getting divorced and his wife is attempting to spread the rumor that it's because he's gay, not because she fucked her ex-boyfriend. Should he fuck one of her sisters or just let it go? Then he didn't answer the god damn phone… what an asshole.
    • Justin - Summary
    • Brian - Say "yeah, I'm gay, but not too gay to fuck both your sisters."
    • Sarah - You're gay, fuck the ex-boyfriend

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Justin and Ashley Are Getting Married… TO EACH OTHER!

HOLY SHIT. Just like a Randy Orton RKO, an announcement that shocked the Chatrealm came out of nowhere this week. Justin and his "platonic friend" Ashley Paramore are getting married to each other. The two, who were previously thought to have just been roommates, have apparently been planning a wedding and even having sex with each other for quite some time.

So Justin and Ashley have been talking about getting married and have actually been planning their wedding for a while. They planned their vacation to Seattle with the sole purpose of getting engaged. However, there was still one surprise for Ashley when Justin finally proposed: the ring.

*Harp flashback sound effect*

Dallas. Three weeks earlier. Justin is ring shopping and finds the perfect ring that both he and Ashley love. He buys it immediately, however he tells Ashley that the jewelers sold it to someone else before he could buy it. He keeps it in his travel suitcase with a broken zipper until their trip to Seattle. All the while, Justin keeps up the lie that those god damn assholes won't have that ring back in stock for another month.

Hey, Jon Tilton Got Married

The day that Justin proposed to Ashley, Brian's former employee and former non-employee and current employee, Jon Tilton, got married. Brian told the story of what happened at the wedding with Bonnie, in which Bonnie tried to conform to the traditional wedding practices, meanwhile everyone else was SUPER casual.

Diamond Time

If you want to submit your thing for Diamond Time head over to the Diamond Club Subreddit and submit your thing. Just be sure to include "[diamondtime]" in the submission title.

Ohh Yeah, The Movie Draft Happened

So the Winter Movie Draft happened last week. If you just watch Night Attack, you had no idea because it took place on Cordkillers. You can watch the draft episode here. As always, you can follow the draft at Draft.DiamondClub.tv.

Night Attack 3 Album Covers

So Chatrealm has been submitting their photoshopped Night Attack 3: Too Old to Talk album covers. See them here. You have until next episode to submit your own design.

Jakie Hern Talks Pot Law

Jackie, designated Pot Poll called in to discuss various propositions that were up for a vote in various US states.

Great Quotes

  • "What are we put on this earth to do… read?" - Sarah
  • "Oh, I'm sorry. I don't have my bearings on the cat rape issue." - Justin
  • "I just think I'm a really good psychiatrist." - Sarah
  • "Black Friday is in December I believe, because Thanksgiving is the day before Christmas this year." - Brian

Fun Facts

  • During the Squarespace ad read, Brian did his Jabba the Hutt impression by speaking the Huttese phrase "Soong peetch alay" (English translation: "It's too late"). However it was Greedo that said "Soong peetch alay", not Jabba. Yeah, I knew that off the top of my head. Fuck you.

Preshow Doc


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