It’s time for a musical! Brian has a lingering cough & is slightly ill, but that doesn’t matter, because MikeTV is here! We have over 1,776 patrons, so it’s time for the Piers Morgan vs. Alex Jones musical! The Night Attack Knight (who might attack Night Attack) is live in JuRY’s studio! JuRY might get murdered! Also, Santa reads your letters.
Show notes by Karl - Latest version on the DCTVpedia
Apparently, Hitler was just a kid in America who went wrong.
It’s Christmas Time!
Also at the start of the show, brian is starting to get a little misty-eyed, and he thinks back over the past year. Also, brian is 40 years old next month! Meanwhile, Bonnie is so busy homeschooling kids that she forgot to buy stocking stuffers until today! JuRY helpfully suggests that Bonnie puts lunchmeat into the kids’ stockings.
As for JuRY, he will be in Columbus, Ohio (which is much more awesome than Florida) to see Ashley’s family over Christmas. Of course, JuRY decided that he wanted to change his connection the day before, so he was stressing about that.
But never mind! Night Attack 3 is #1 on (part of) Amazon! All of the price issues should be fixed, so if you haven’t bought it, buy it now!
(The Night Attack Knight (who might attack Night Attack) got bored at this point, and stood up. It was very scary.)
The Patreon is at $1977. If you want to become a patron, head on over to Patreon.com/NightAttack.
The show has more than 1776 patrons, so it's time for the Alex Jones musical!
Morgan vs. Jones: A Christmas Fairy Tale
Two years ago, Alex Jones and Piers Morgan had a massive face-off on Cable TV, which most people have forgotten about by now, BUT NOT US! Since the number of patrons has reached 1776, Brian and Justin are going to perform a 20-minute improv musical, with accompaniment by MikeTV of Get Set Go.
Fun fact: Until a week ago, MikeTV hasn’t seen the video!
Piers Morgan wakes up, prepares to pee on some orphans (that his wife Judith had prepared earlier), but first he gets a call from Emporer Palpatine. Palpatine instructs Morgan to destroy Alex Jones on his television show that night.
Alex has made it to New York, and his assistant Ty has prepared a large amount of facts to use on the television confrontation with Alex Jones. Apparently Ty also brought his fiance, Judithene, along with him. Unfortunately, Ty dropped all of Alex’s notes! Luckily, Alex made a copy of Ty’s notes!
Piers intros Alex, and then Alex goes off on a rant for something like ten minutes (I’m not sure). Piers goes to break and makes a call to the Emporer. The Emporer says that Piers must destroy Alex’s notes, so Piers asks Judith to do something to get Alex’s notes.
Judith seduces Alex by flashing him. Alex exclaims “Santa Ana’s Taint!”, a hawk swoops in, and steals Alex’s notes. Ty was murdered at some point, so Alex has nothing left to work with.
The show comes back from commercial, and Alex is really nervous. Piers presents some facts that Alex can’t counter, and Alex begins to break down, until he comes up with his secret weapon: MURDER PILLS!
While Piers tries to get Judith to do something, Alex piles on more and more of his facts to fight back against Piers. Piers is unable to resist, the New World Order is defeated, and Piers Morgan dissolves to death or something.
The Night Attack Knight (who might attack Night Attack) approved of the performance, because he didn’t kill JuRY.
Head on over to squarespace.com/nightattack for 15% off.
Santa is Here!
Brian was able to make it through to Santa! Unfortunately, Santa was a little sick: He had a big red sore on his beard.
Brian offered to have a song made for Santa, but Santa didn’t want that. What Santa wants is a sleigh that the reindeer would push from behind, because Santa doesn’t like sitting behind so many shitting reindeer.
Santa answered nine letters:
Dear Santa, I have never met my Mom. My pappy says that I'll meet my mother in heaven, but I'm not sure if I believe him. Do you know where my mom is? <> Karl
Santa said “Hell no!”. Santa suggested that Karl provide more information next time.
Dear Santa- I have to work on Christmas this year, is there any chance you can make the NBA no longer a sport so that I can have the day off.? Seriously I doubt if that many people would care. I've been a good boy this year and will leave you out the usual whiskey on the rocks this Christmas Eve. Thanks Mitzula
Santa wasn’t able to do anything.
Dear santa Why don't you gift girlfriends for those who are single?
Santa was kindof offended that t2t2 wanted Santa to be his pimp. He suggests that adults who write to Santa probably aren’t going to get any girls.
Dear Santa Last Christmas Eve, I got a knock on the door late at night and when I answered, found an old but somewhat handsome tall black man wearing a red suit much like yours. He told me that he was your brother and said that you were busy so he was there to deliver my gift this year and would be getting many gifts from him that night. He was carrying with him a large red box with a white bow, an expensive bottle of dessert wine, and a box of frozen pudding pops. I invited him inside and he placed the box under my Charlie Brown christmas tree. I grabbed two wine glasses and put the pudding pops in the freezer while he poured us both a glass. We sat on my couch and he told me one joke after another. I asked him what is real name was and he said; "Hoe, you can just call me Hilarious Black Santa." I giggled. I don't know what happened after that but when I woke up christmas morning, he and the pudding pops were gone. Santa, do you know how I can reach him? And, do you think he will come visit me again this year? Yours truly, LonelyInSanFrancisco
Santa suggests checking TMZ.
Dear Santa, I want only one wish to fuck her right in the pussy.
Santa takes the moral high ground, and is offended by this letter.
Dear Santa, As this great year comes to a close, I find myself at a loss as to what to get some of my family members for Christmas. Specifically, I'm not sure what to get my Grandfather. Here's my question: why the fuck did you stop delivering presents to me when I started living on my own some 10 years ago? Do you still take presents to my grandparents? Can you just put my name on one of my Grandpa's gifts? Thanks, --Shane
Santa was offended by the fact that there were so many questions in this letter, and called him a “fecal head”. As for why Shane isn’t getting any more presents, it’s because his grandfather doesn’t love him anymore.
From The Man
I have everything I want. I just want to figure out how to take everybody else's shit. I'm the president of the Illuminati. I'm coming for Santa. This year, Christmas belongs to us.
It’s from Alex Jones!
The Easter Bunny
Who in the fuck do you think you are?
The Easter Bunny is a little bitch.
Dear Santa, would you please kill my enemies for me this year? They are: The Taliban Edgar Winter (May already be dead but let's not chance it) OJ Simpson Dan the chat mod The fuck who stole my leaf blower That tall woman from WKRP in Cincinnati Thank you for your cooperation Santa. Love, Spike
Santa wonders what kind of sick fucks watch this show.
If you want to submit your thing for Diamond Time head over to the weekly Diamond Time post on the DiamondClub subreddit. Instructions on how to format your submission can be found in the post!
Self-Help Book Update
Sebgonz did another recording of one of Chet Paige’s stories! Unfortunately, the Night Attack Knight (who might attack Night Attack) did not like that, so he started to choke JuRY, and we had to end the show.