Episode 64: The Cave of All Secrets

Justin guides us through some meditation, we get further proof that Chad is the embodiment of western privileged and we enter the cave of all secrets.

Released on May 13, 2015, 3:30 am UTC


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Show Notes

Show notes by Leon - Latest version on the DCTVpedia

Cold Open

Tom Merritt makes his cold-open debut, but Captain Morgan comes in and ruins everything.


Brian was just watching preshow videos when he came across this video about the Bangladesh Food Crisis. The video juxtaposes images of famine in Bangladesh with images of western affluence. Among the privileged westerners was friend of the show, Chad Johnson. Brian called up Chad to get his reaction and said some funny things that he probably shouldn't have. Speaking of Chad, he just moved to LA and he really needs your help. Don't help starving people in Bangladesh, support Chad on his Patreon.

Here's the clip of Brian and Justin discovering the video.

Later, Brian played this video of Jason Murphy playing Just Dance and played various other songs on top of the video to comedic effect.

Why Is This Funny?

So Brian played this video of a dude lip-syncing a song in Italian in front of a crowd that absolutely loves it. Brian and most of the Chatrealm were just confused by it.

Brian Meditated Today

Brian has always been one of those "LOL MEDITATION IS DUM!" guys, however he went to a live show by comedian Kyle Cease who is a big proponent of meditation/mindfulness/whatever and he had the audience meditate for a few minutes during the show. Both Brian and Justin talked a bit about how they have had trouble in the past dealing with constant thoughts of dread, so meditation could potentially be very good for the both of them.

Justin talked Brian through a guided meditation session, I which Brian became various animals in the African Serengeti and transformed into a naked man removing an iPhone 6+ from his butthole and going toPatreon.com/NightAttack.


The Patreon is at $2,190. If you want to become a patron, head on over to Patreon.com/NightAttack.

Holy shit, I can't believe I'm saying this, but four tracks from The Merritt Tapes were released through Patreon during the episode. These four tracks are going to be voted on by patrons who are giving at least $0.50 and the track that gets the most votes will make it on the album. All patrons will be able to hear the tracks, but none of the $0.01 cheapskates will have a vote.

Sorry Audio Listeners

The guys decided to listen to some of the tracks they recorded for the album and cold opens. It was about half "live Brian and Justin talking about which tracks to play" and half "past Brian and Justin talking about random shit". This was probably impossible for audio-only listeners to figure out which versions of Brian and Justin were talking. Sorry dude.

King of Secrets

We want to crown the King of Secrets. Chatrealm anonymously submitted their deepest, darkest secrets and Brian and Justin decided which secret was the best.


  • One time, he sniffed his dog's butthole to greet it New Champion!
  • He loves getting finger blasted while his girlfriend jerks him off
  • They were having anal sex and they got green poop on their fingers
  • He was once very drunk and pissed all over the bathroom of his sister's house. He then blamed it on his 5-year-old son. New Champion!
  • He frequently masturbates to pregnant porn. Like everyday.
  • I pooped my pants on Christmas
  • I have a marriage packed with Kuhans
  • He was 13 or 14 and used his mom's dildo on himself
  • He was repeatedly fucked in the ass as a teenager. He just thought it was a normal punishment for refusing in Truth or Dare
  • He got naked and jerked off in a pit next to the track at his school
  • They really don't like any of Joss Whedon's work
  • His best friend lied about having HIV for 6 years then claimed to be cured
  • They haven't been to the dentist since the Clinton administration
  • He peed out the 4th floor window of his dorm
  • They stole a bunch of vending machine food, but then everyone else robbed him
  • She gives herself a waterhose enema and got ant bites all over her labia New Champion!
  • They did a prank or something
  • He thought he was gay, but once he had a dick in his mouth he realized that he wasn't gay
  • As a 6-year-old he went on a magical journey on a flying horse, but ended up getting molested by it
  • Dicks taste bad
  • I'm not Amtrekker
  • Had a threesome with two cheerleaders and never told his girlfriend

Queen of the Secrets: The waterhose-enema, ant-bite-labia babe

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Ten Man Brass Band

You might remember the Ten Man Brass Band as the group of kids who discovered the work of Brian and Justin through the iTunes comedy album charts. Well, they put together a cover of the Night Attack theme song.

If you didn't know, the actual theme song is "Vicario" by Kissinger

Help Save Chad

They played the Bangladesh food crisis video featuring Chad from the preshow. This time around they played that Sarah McLachlan song from the ASPCA ads and pleaded the audience to donate to Chad's Patreon.

Diamond Time

If you want to submit your thing for Diamond Time head over to the weekly Diamond Time post on the DiamondClub subreddit. Instructions on how to format your submission can be found in the post!

Movie Draft Chat

Topics discussed

  • Seriously, how are we going to handle Star Wars if it makes $12 trillion like everyone is predicting?

Great Quotes

  • "Didn't you know that 9/11 invented timing?" - Justin in the preshow during the homoerotic wrestling promo video
  • "Remember a year ago when I had to go to a mandatory yoga gulag?" - Justin
  • "The cave of all secrets is your asshole." - Justin

Fun Facts

Preshow Doc


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