Episode 95: Gooooood Mornin Mommy!

Justin's back in the P House to talk about the latest adventures he and Brian have been up to, we get some exciting news about the upcoming Star Wars movie and the only King of the North that matters, Saint Nick himself, is here to answer your letters.

Released on December 16, 2015, 5:17 am UTC


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Show Notes

Show notes by Leon - Latest version on the DCTVpedia


POLITICS! POLITICS! POLITICS! POLITICS! POLITICS! Yes! Brian and Justin watched the GOP debate for the first 15 minutes or so. So if you're allergic to politics, just skip ahead. They came back to the debate a couple times, but it was never more than a few minutes.

Cold Open

Captain, how do you make the perfect Vine?

Are There Any Brian and Justin Fans in the Audience?!

So Justin is out in Austin. But Justin quit his job, why is he in Austin? Should they talk about it? The guys did a bunch of cheap pops to the audience asking "I dunno, do YOU think we should talk about the project?!"


Martin Thomas just walked out of a Star Wars: The Force Awakens screening and called Brian. If you remember thelast time he was on Night Attack, he was pretty down on Star Wars. Well good news, Martin REALLY liked the movie. He had a low expectation and a high expectation for the movie: it exceeded his highest expectation. COOL!

So Really, Why is Justin Out In Austin

Ok, so Brian and Justin are filming a bunch (more than 9 and less than 11) of short form videos for Discovery VR. It's a bunch of 360 degree videos that you'll be able to watch, whether or not you have a VR headset.

Some of the things they've done

Turns out the dudes playing Unicycle Football take the game SUPER seriously. Now those guys are there to play a serious sport, and Brian, Justin and their film crew are there to film shit. Their two objectives were at odds for most of the time they were there. The unicyclists were getting restless when the film crew started delaying their game a bit. Things were pretty dicey as tensions mounted throughout the early evening. It all came to a head when the field marshall yelled "I DON'T CARE IF WE PLAY IN THE DARK, WE'RE FILMING THIS SHIT!"

Then they went barefoot waterskiing. Brian has done this a lot. He's gone with his dad all the time, he evenPeriscoped his trip a few months ago. Justin has never done this before, and received about 5 seconds of instruction. He told the story of how he ate it a few times and got yelled at by the instructor. The instructor was pretty cool though. All in all, they got some great shots of Justin totally eating shit and Brian being a total badass.

Anyway, download the Discovery VR app and you can see all this shit in late January.

Santa Is Here!

For the 5th year in a row, the only King of the North that matters, Ol' Santa Claus himself comes on the show to answer your letters.

  • You've been in people's homes all over the world and have surely seen all sorts of weird shit. What kind of kinky shit gets you going? - Dan
    • Chimneys feel good on Santa's crotch.
  • I don't know what to say when people ask me what I want for Christmas - Jordan
    • Tell your friends and family to make a donation on your behalf to one of about a billion charities. But stay away from charities like Save the Elves.
  • How come people tell you to stay a child for as long as you can, but when you do anything childlike, they tell you to grow up?
    • Because our society
  • I'd send you a list, but I don't want to bum you out - Thomas
    • The only way you'd bum me out is if you'd literally write it with your bum
  • Would you put someone who jerked off with their friend on the naughty or nice list?
    • There aren't just two lists, there's naughty, nice, nasty, nieve, nit-witted, normal and no he didn't!
  • What was the last movie you saw and did you like it? - Little Trevor Ramsey
    • I saw The Force Awakes. It was great! Especially the part where Han gets hit with [SPOILERS].
  • Can you confirm that you have a new beard?
    • I don't know what you're talking about. It's the same beard.
  • Will you be delivering Bunchems this year? - Bonnie
    • If the kids ask for it, we'll deliver it

Will Santa Deliver It?

  • Guns - No
  • Cigarettes - Sure, why not


The Patreon is at $1,626. If you want to become a patron, head on over to Patreon.com/NightAttack.

Looks like Patreon finally switched over to their new way of representing pledge amounts. That or they lost $300/episode. Either way, Brian and Justin got serious for a bit and spoke directly to the audience asking them to support them and send Justin ecstasy.

Friendly Recommendation


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Head over to SquareSpace.com and try out a 14-day free trial then when you decide to order, use the code "NAP" to get 10% off you order.

Christmas Songs Everyone Can Enjoy

Brian and Justin sang some Christmas songs they came up with that offend nobody. They were pretty good songs.

Brian and Justin's Christmas Songs

  • Thing the People Said
  • It's the Most Current Time of the Year
  • That Guy We Mentioned
  • This Guy, You Know?
  • This Time of Year (No Jews in Texas)

Mission: ImStosselable

This week, Eric sent in a video of him performing a few lines from the Emperor from Return of the Jedi. How timely!

Brian Dances On!

This week's episode was just the judges talking about last week's performances. They really enjoyed Brian's performance. Time to vote vote vote vote vote! dctv.link/votebrian. Then Ohdoctah called in to talk about Brinn's performance. On a scale from 1 to DYAAAAAAMN!, he gave it a full DYAAAAAAMN!




Diamond Time

Fuck it, let's do all 9 Diamond Times posts

If you want to submit your thing for Diamond Time head over to the weekly Diamond Time post on the DiamondClub subreddit. Instructions on how to format your submission can be found in the post!

Movie Draft Chat

  • Justin will have the single best value in the whole draft (Krampus) and still come in last place - Brian
  • We just heard that Star Wars is good. A "good" Star Wars is set to go supernova - Justin
  • Tom hits maximum $550 million, Star Wars has to hit $700 million for Brian to surpass Tom - Brian
  • Star Wars will not perform to my expectations (breaking all the records), but it won't have to - Brian
  • Tom's got a lot of shitty movies with good names, but all anyone will want to talk about is Kylo Ren - Justin
  • Did you know that tonight ESPN, the worldwide leader in sports, ran a documentary on the creation of the lightsaber - Justin
  • Star Wars gets a $300 million opening weekend - Justin
  • I believe it - Brian


The guys played the clip of Carrie Fisher and Oscar Isaac on the Anthony Carboni hosted Star Wars Premiere livestream and Brian plugged his ears and started humming so as not to learn any new information about the movie. The humming annoyed Justin since he just wanted to watch the clip. Then Brian got SUPER passive aggressive… likeNight Attack episode 9 passive aggressive. It was pretty awkward for a few minutes.

Ohdoctah called in and got us out of the awkward hole. He also sent in his Christmas song "Black Xmas" that he freestyled back in 2002. Listen to that. Then they asked Ohdoctah which instruments belong to which races.

Great Quotes

  • "It's a joke from a podcast, also a massacre." - Justin after yelling about 9/11 (On the Harmontown podcast, they make a big deal when it's 9:11 during their show)
  • "Whatever you do, don't die before you go to [Star Wars The Force Awakens]" - Marin Thomas

Fun Facts

  • Santa's beard looks GREAT!


  • Captain Morgan - at the start of the show (and the cold open too, but that's every week).
  • Butt Demon - In between the Patreon plug and the Squarespace ad

Preshow Doc


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